flicker

in my overflowing life
frayed at the edges
by staying up and waking up
I live in an eternal 'now'
and when I'm very tired
--as I often am--
I'll hear a whimper
and remember that I've forgotten
that there is an extra voice in the house
a happy recollection
that the girls now number three

like an old slot machine
the names spin in my head
Ella-Luci-Mira-Luci-Mira-Ella
until they line up properly
voice matched with person
persona paired with face

sometimes
when I'm between waking and sleeping
my brain enacts the scene
-- which is actually the case--
that I have four children
I hear the voice of my son
completing the quartet
their collective cry
that things are not as they should be

I awaken from this reality
neither sad nor happy
but a bit surprised
and deeply grateful
to know that my life
is fuller than I realize